"Jesus said to his disciples: 'Take care not to perform righteous deedsin order that people may see them;otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.' "
In many ways though in the world I live in, wearing ashes is a sacrifice in itself -- it proclaims something I am not entirely comfortable with -- you can't be a Catholic in question or hiding with a symbol on your forehead, you are out and proud. I decided this year to try to take it in my stride and not worry about other people's reactions, and for the most part, I succeeded.
It's the other part of my beginning of Lent practice that I found it harder to stick to. Every year, rather than giving something up, I try to do something positive, usually to address an attribute of self that I am not happy about. And every year, I fail, often finding myself worse off at the end of Lent than the beginning. This year, that which I aim to do also involves giving something up -- I want, and need, to be a better mother, better wife, better daughter, better sibling, better friend -- that is, I want to be more present in the relationships of my life. The last year has held many personal challenges for me and somewhere in that, I have lost that essence of living in relationship that once came naturally to me -- the giving of self in love. I need to give up my selfishness to be able to achieve this. It feels like there are many barriers in the way -- work to be done, a house and life to organize, things to move forward. There are certainly many objects in the way -- a phone, a computer, a TV -- many things that prevent me from being fully present to those I love most. So this Lent, I want to both give something up AND to do something positive -- a combination of the traditional Lenten tradition with a little twist. It's not the first time I have presented this challenge to myself, and I haven't made a great start of it today.
But for the next 40 days, this is my prayer:
- to give up the intangible connections to that which seems so important and necessary and urgent, in favor of the real people in front of me
- to give up the quest for recognition in my work, in exchange for recognizing the loves present in my home
- to give up trying to make everything work, and asking and watching and appreciating instead where God is leading me
- to give up getting things done quickly, in favor of the joyous discovery of my son learning to do for himself, slowly but in his own growing way
- to give up those extra few minutes in bed, in favor of a few extra minutes of time spent with my family.
It's never easy and so much of this is the work of life itself for me, but this Lent, every day as I journey through and catalog that journey in my thoughts and prayers here, I trust that God is listening and helping me to focus a bit better, and be present a bit more.
