What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?

A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your Holy Spirit take not from me.

I begin this Lent with a bit of a broken heart. Last Lent, I felt called to return to my faith with my whole heart. I did find that my spirit was renewed by answering this call. It made a difference for me; it made a difference for my heart and my mind.

The last few months have really challenged me, in terms of my relationship with the Catholic Church. It's the church of my birth, and it has been the setting for the defining experiences of my life, from childhood up through the present. Through the sacraments, I buried my father, married my husband, and baptized my son. I share this faith tradition with my family and so many of my friends. It's home.

But I didn't find this home simply because I was raised in it. As a young woman, I chose it. Again and again, I returned to this faith tradition, to the ideas that to me are central to the faith: the body of Christ, broken, becoming life for the world; the least among us becoming the greatest; love being the the greatest commandment of all.

It's not new for me that my personal values don't completely align with Church doctrine. But I've always felt surrounded by a community that supported those values, and in the end, I look to my conscience to inform my beliefs. If I search my heart for the loving answer, that's what guides my values and actions.

I've always known that more conservative, traditional Catholics don't like that approach. They call people like me "cafeteria Catholics," and they say you can't just pick and choose. But I've always found enough support and commonality in my family and friends, and even online spiritual communities.

I still have that support. But the voices that reject my values have gotten louder and more forceful. Conservatives in politics and in the Church do want to cast me out. Enough of what I believe in—gay marriage, birth control, women's ordination—is front and center in the media these days, and in more than one forum I have been literally told that I don't belong in the Church. It's been enough to make me seriously consider that they might be right. And truly, that makes me feel broken.

So what do I do with that? Am I right to stay where I've always found myself most at home spiritually, hoping that change will come? Or should I look elsewhere? Where would I go? How would I even begin to look?

The place to start, I believe, is within my broken heart. I will look to the loving example of Jesus Christ, the peacemaking, community organizer who collected sinners and outcasts, healed wounds, and challenged authority.

I'm not sure what I'll find in the end; I'm afraid that this time, the answer isn't going to come as easily or feel as good as it has in the past. But the God I know hasn't cast me from his presence, and Lent is a time for return, not departure.