Who Do You Think You Are?

In today's gospel from John, Jesus reveals more of his divine identity. He promises that those who follow his word will "never see death." Now his listeners are sure he's crazy—possessed, they say. Either that or, I'd imagine they're thinking, he's just supremely arrogant—maybe a little of both. Who do you make yourself out to be? they ask, when he promises life beyond death, knowing that their father Abraham and the prophets succumbed to death. He tells them

Before Abraham came to be, I AM.

His listeners are baffled, and they turn on him: they pick up stones to throw, but he leaves them, hiding away from the temple area.

I've mentioned before in this blog that I'm not very comfortable with this Jesus who is so cryptic yet so in touch with his divinity. I've long held the belief that Jesus was a man slowly coming to terms with the calling that unfolds before him, a calling he embraces but still finds very much a mystery. It's harder for me to fathom and accept the Jesus who seems to know his identity not just as the son of God, but as God himself. I'm fairly convinced that if I were in his midst during this particular speech, I might have turned on him too. (Probably wouldn't have picked up stones, but wouldn't have been surprised that others did.)

Interesting to me, then, that Jesus didn't stand his ground. He went away, actually hiding. I wonder if he wasn't as convinced as his words here would indicate. I wonder if his understanding of his divinity was growing clearer as he performed amazing "signs" and as his followers increased in number—that kind of power and influence would embolden anyone! But then maybe his own faith in himself and his mission were shaken by the reactions he started to get; maybe his words were shocking even to him. It's safe to say he was growing conscious of the danger he was in in a very real way. Either way, he needed to get away for the moment, perhaps to figure out his next move or to gather the strength he needed to continue on his mission.

Following God's call takes courage.  We don't always know just what the call means, and when it involves challenging the status quo or even just our own conceptions of ourselves, it can be tempting to back away and stick with what's comfortable, with what people expect from us.

I take solace in the idea that Jesus didn't "get it right" the first time. He didn't necessarily set forth with a clear understanding of what he was sent to do, and he didn't "just do it." If Jesus could falter a bit, but still persevere, it's got to be okay for the rest of us to struggle a bit in our own journeys.