Doubting Thomas

Thomas gets a bum rap, but here is the man who acted as so many of us would. His trusted friend and leader Jesus has been put to death, in the most public and horrific of fashions, and he and his friends are hiding out in fear of what might happen to them. And suddenly he is being told that Jesus is alive and has appeared to his friends – it’s overwhelming and incredible, and it turns out to be too much to ask – he needs to see to believe.

I’m not sure there could be a more appropriate gospel story for me to reflect on as I join my friend in sharing some thoughts on my faith journey. Full disclosure – I find this endeavor equal parts terrifying and exciting. It all feels a little too revealing – both to others and myself. I worry that those who knew a more devout, faith-filled me will feel disappointed; that those who currently know a practicing Catholic but perhaps not overtly religious or spiritual me will find this type of examination too much. And most of all, I worry about what I may find out for and about myself. But this is precisely what makes it so necessary, to take the time to see where on the road I am.

The denouement of the gospel is that Jesus does appear to his doubting disciple, and for Thomas, seeing is believing – “My Lord and my God!” How stunningly was faith not only restored, but exclaimed with wholeheartedness. In a homily on this gospel, Pope Saint Gregory the Great explained that: “In a marvelous way, God’s mercy arranged that the disbelieving disciple, in touching the wounds of his Master’s body, should heal our wounds of disbelief … What is seen gives knowledge, not faith. When Thomas saw and touched, why was he told: You have believed because you have seen me? Because what he saw and what he believed were different things. God cannot be seen by mortal man. Thomas saw a human being, whom he acknowledged to be God, and said: My Lord and my God. Seeing, he believed; looking at one who was true man, he cried out that this was God, the God he could not see.”

While I often wish I could live peacefully in non-belief, there remains a kernel of doubt, the doubt that is the seed of faith still there inside, perhaps waiting to be revived and renewed. What Jesus did for Thomas was not scoff at him or cast him aside, but rather meet him exactly where he was, and offer exactly what he needed to believe. Having given his life already, God made man gave more. I pray to the God who gives so bountifully to help me along the way, and that like Thomas, my doubts can open me up to deeper, exuberant belief.